Just had a conversation about whether I preferred feeling numb or depressed (not that I always have to select between the two), and I was reminded of this clip. Butters really hits home with this one.
I wondered today just what all this is for. Am I really becoming a better person? I thought I’d made strides in emotional maturity and self discipline, and yet I feel no different. There are marked changes, no doubt, but people still act the same towards me, and my situation remains largely unchanged. I tell myself that this is all gradual; just as immense canyons are eventually carved out of the earth’s surface, millimeters over millennia, so my tiny steps forward will eventually constitute an epic journey. Still, I can’t help but wonder if I’m lying to myself. I’m not ashamed to admit that I need external acknowledgement from time to time; we all do in one way or another. Is it weird that my perceived lack of such only spurs me on to make more of an improvement?
I considered skipping the gym tomorrow. I packed my bags anyway. Although I don’t derive any pleasure from it in the usual sense, it’s the only part of my life where I’m making measurable improvements. This makes me wonder if I should be setting more concrete goals in other parts of my life. If only life were the kind of thing that were easy to measure. Perhaps I need to give my short- and long-term goals more serious consideration. For now, I’m going to be happy that at least I’m learning a bit of discipline.
Wow. I can’t believe it’s been three weeks since I last wrote. How time flies.
So much in my life seems to be changing, and so rapidly, that I sometimes marvel at the differences between past and present. I often find myself getting confused about how much time has passed since certain milestone events in my life. I’m not sure if this is a problem or just part of me adjusting to everything, but I’m tired of stumbling through my life, so I will endeavor to find my balance quickly, even though I feel it robs my life of its adventure, to a degree.
There isn’t much to report: The office has been steadily growing, and there now exists some gender diversity in the office place. I have been told that the term “sexual” is the correct one in this context, but I don’t want to give the impression of it being a sexually charged environment—it isn’t.
I am in a weird place in my personal development. On so many fronts, I find myself pulled, emotionally, in seemingly opposed directions. On the one hand, I am excited and further inspired to continue on this path of self-improvement; on the other, I am saddened by all that I’ve left behind, as I still harbor some sentimentality for the past. I am simultaneously daunted by the growing realization of how far I have to go and frustrated by how far I am ahead of those around me. I feel confident, almost to the point of arrogance, and horribly insecure about my own abilities. I look forward to a promising future, and yet I yearn for the comforts of the past.
My thoughts are often a mess, and only so much of it can be attributed to my chemical imbalances. I need a focal point and fast; I worry that too much time may pass before I find it. True though it may be that the adventure is in finding one’s life purpose, I can think of nothing more heartbreaking than to find it too late to do anything about it. I suppose the best I can do is make sure I’m in a position to pounce on it when the opportunity presents itself. I really hate it when my dad is right about things like this.
This, by the way, is a backdated post. I realized that there was too much of a gap since I last wrote: This is an attempt to fill in some of the gaps.
I went to my father’s hometown for Chinese New Year. It’d been a while since we visited, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. Not much had changed; I remember it making leaps and bounds in terms of development the last time I went, but it’s not changed much since then. There are a couple new franchise stores, but it appears that it’s actually taken a step or two back in development. I assume much of this has to do with the fact that its distance from the capital is a mere 2 hours. Can the economy be blamed?
That being said, my fathers family was incredibly gracious as usual. They seem to hold my family in the highest regard: A fact that makes visiting quite uncomfortable at time. I won’t lie; I do like hearing how handsome I am by the relatives, but the way we’re treated like royalty in front of our other relatives who likely do not receive the same treatment fills me with what I can only describe as bourgeois guilt. I tell myself that they enjoy being this way to ease my guilt. Part of me wants to learn Chinese so I can communicate with them. I shall add that to my list of goals for 2012.
The trip was short lived, but it was a good dose of family bonding. Overall, quite a positive experience. It’s weird, but I actually look forward to returning to my routine. Big things await in 2012.
It’s been a while since I was victim to a crime. Come to think of it, I might never have been; not in any serious sense of the word. My car was broken into and my car’s SAT NAV, a Christmas gift that I had used for less than 2 weeks, was stolen. Old me would have beat himself up endlessly about what he could have done to have prevented it. New me understands that things like this happen, and it’s important to learn what you can from it without stressing out needlessly about things that cannot be changed. New me is way better.
On the upside, I made a new friend with someone who, rather coincidentally, had hers stolen from her car, too. Funny how these things turn out. I’m going to chalk this up to “lesson learned,” and solemnly vow never to leave anything of value in my utterly unprotected vehicle again.